tBlog

doubting

10.09.11 (11:31 am) [edit]

Every time I log it I feel like it's been months since my last entry, like it's been months since I last had something to whine about. And I logged in today and found out I'd just posted 2 months ago about the same issue I was about to write now, I didn't remember at all.

And it made me realize I've had this issue for a while now. The girl, the work, the vague answer, the defensive coping mechanism he goes into any time I try to communicate a feeling. Now I'm no psycho. I do only speak up when I've got reason to, and I mean real reasons - bases, background, evidence. Now, after 2 years everything seems great. I love this guy even more so than I thought someone could love. He's perfect to me, and for me. He's mature, centered, loving... the list goes on. I admire him so much.

And then... there's the bad stuff. For months now, I've felt he withholds things from me, and at first, I though it was my jealousy talking, or the irrationality that derives from head-over-heels love. But then again, isn't head-over-heels love supposed to have n doubts or questions?

I still get this feeling he doesn't share that much. This feeling that he's doing good things that appear wrong... or is he doing wrong tihngs?

I know nothing.

How am i to know if, every time I tell him something, he leaved further in doubt? Even more unrestful?

It's time to clear things up. I did it already when he had un-fundamented doubts. It's he's turn now. When to speak up? How to being? If if just had that talk, when is it too soon or too late?

I do now want this to blow up in my face. I love him. But it is gonna blow up, let it be now. Not any later.

What are your thoughts? How to ask thinks? How to "order" explanations?

Every day or two I literally envision this break-up scenes......... If I were really sure, shouldn't this NOT be happening?! Is this normal?

Oh, fuck this.

Jealousy will drive you... distrustful.

07.03.11 (1:44 pm) [edit]
Wow, years of no posting. It's sad - writing is my therapy. But sometimes I just don't feel like venting in such a public way. Haha somewhat public, I know - it is still pretty anonymous. Anyway, I got home and felt like I had to write. I had to vent. I'm not quite done talking for today. I'm in a 1 year-and-half relationship and it's been awesome so far. All through my looong weird dysfunctional semi-friendship/semi-rela tionship thingy (and there's no easier or better way of saying it), and all through my "crush" with Mr.Big, the long time friend, to whom I measured all against, I never really though I'd met someone who'd really fit the mold. Or better yet, exceed it. And so he came. It took me the best part of 3 years to figure it out. And, honestly, sometimes I still don't get why he'd put up with most of my crap - my constant doubting, my weirding out, my cold feet. Then, somehow, out of nowhere, this one day... I just knew. I felt this urge to be with him, as if my old life was suddenly over, and this one guy was my new present, my "must". After a month, we were together. We've fought, of course, like any couple. 3 or 4 times. The usual overly emotional fights... that are later summed up as "the fight we had over something stupid"... and they were. But it never occurred to me the real fights would come along. Suddenly you realize you are not old, dumb or stupid enough to let some things pass by. You realize it's about time you both start weighing each others' flaws - what we can and can't live with. Relationships are a path to knowing each other... but, as I've come to know, mostly a path to self-discovery. I realized recently that I'm jealous as hell. I never thought I was. I still don't think I am. But there is this ONE girl who can completely drive me crazy. He sees a lot of her, due to this course they're taking... and I guess if it were someone else it wouldn't bother me. But this is the kind of girl that freaks the... hell... out.. you! The overly-sweet, overly-enthusiastic, dude-friendly type of girl. She's a phony, head to toe. And suddenly I start to realize, apart from my insane jealousy, the fact that this girl doesn't drive him nuts like I thought she would. As I know him, I would've thought he'd hate her. And he doesn't. And suddenly it becomes unrecognizable to me whether it's my jealousy that's bothering me, or if it's my trust on him. How do you know where the fine line between jealousy and trust lie? How do you know when he lies? For the past week, a lot of things he's done and said, have turned out totally wrong. And what months ago would've seemed like nonsense, now makes me shudder. Suddenly I'm questioning his every move, answer and motive. It's not that I don't trust him... but at the least abnormal behavior, I freak. Ideas forming in my mind. Mistrust crippling my heart. How do you recognize jealousy from reason? When to give in or stand up? How to know when to push it or drop it? How come... I still don't trust some of his vague explanations? I wish I could. But isn't it common knowledge that when someone stutters, holds an answer or gives a vague reply... something is clearly wrong? I wish there was a way to know every answer, every truth. The hard part is, although I choose to believe him (because, hey!, it's HIM!), deep inside I know there is no real way for me to know the truth. Either he is or he isn't... and if he isn't, my best hope is that I'd find out, that it'll all blow up on my face... before things go further. Before my heart is so "given" that I can't get it back complete. Love is... hoping.

what's the worst thing that can happen?

10.03.10 (2:25 am) [edit]

We all don't necessarily fall in love in the same obvious manner. For some us it takes time. It takes healing, some soul-searching, some self-discovering.

Whoever said love at first sight does exist, maybe had it right. I did like him the very first time I saw him - but LOVE? No, not love. Love was too strong a word. For others it just isn't.

But I've shared and over-used those 3 words far too much, in the past, that they almost became meaningless. Not actually, they never really were meaningless (they never really are), but under-valued maybe yeah.

I've kept quite for a loooong time now. I've kept to saying things only when truly appropriate and deserved. I've locked some words out - truth is, some of them had to be locked out, urgently.

And I found a guy - one guy so crazy for me it was nauseating. Almost unbelievable. I liked him, hell yeah, but did I really LIKE him?

No, for so long I didn't. Truth is, there comes a time when we all just gotta drop every if, and or but, every why, every shit-scared trauma. And just... leap.

See where the hell we fall, we land, we crash.

And hell...

Sometimes we land just in the perfect goddamn spot.

And find ourselves... so in love. The way we wish we weren't, the way in which we feel vulnerable, the way in which we can be hurt and knocked out once again. The way - the only way - it really matters.

And it happens.

So, now, I say to myself What the hell?!

Hopefully it'll work. And if it doesn't - what's the worst thing that can happen? Cripple-dom for oh-so-many months? Pain? Anger? Sadness? I can get through that all over again, I already did. So why be afraid?

Letting things be and sleeping with a consolation prize.

09.14.10 (1:19 am) [edit]

Maybe despite everything - all the shit, drama, heartbreak, rebuilt, renovation - some times we still feel broken.

We could still cry over something that happened ages ago. It's not that we aren't properly healed. But some scars stick.

And seldom it happens, that some thing brings all those feelings rushing back.

And we feel hurt, and let down, and at rock bottom once again. If just for a moment.

Tomorrow we'll wake up cured again, and it'll all be a memory of an insomniac flashback of something that once was.

But if at least for an hour, we feel insecure and vulnerable once again.

Tomorrow we face ourselves in the mirror and find that it is all long gone, that we are stronger.

But maybe, just maybe, we are not really smarter. We might make the same mistakes with someone else.

Or worse, we might be so self-defensive now, protecting ourselves so much from being hurt again, that we no longer let ourselves recognize love. Even when it stands in front of us.

And maybe we are confused. Trying to love someone we don't.

Just because they seem better. More considerate, more caring. Maybe they are better on paper.

Just so different than the one before. The exact opposite. And so we think we could love them.

We sleep at night, maybe no so entirely in love, but with a consolation prize. The consolation prize or idea that this one won't do to us what the other one once did.

When truth is, the only crime committed by the one before... only was making us fall in love, in a way different than he did.

Now, we hold on to positive thoughts. Kisses. And the idea that one day we will love this one, as much as the one we loved before, as much as he loves us.

All the while avoiding, this other possible love. A long time friend. Very similar to the one before.

Knowing, maybe we are better off not giving in. Not dealing with trying to know if he loves us too, wanting to know if he's mature enough. Knowing he is probably not so easy to handle as the one we are with.

Not willing to gamble everything on What If.

And meanwhile, letting things be.

Going to sleep with a consolation prize.

Hoping we will one day wake up to it being real.

Hoping.

half-full or half-empty?

09.05.10 (2:11 am) [edit]

this life we live is all about understanding, acceptance.

people say the glass is either half-full of half-empty... and it's true, it really is that clear-cut.

the thing is... if you are half-full, don't let your ego vanish you. if you are half-empty, don't let your ego kill you. and either way, don't ever be a conformist.

the key is... be happy with what you have. and yes, always do want most - not necessarily material, but happiness-like stuff... real stuff.

and sometimes, the trouble is, the glass is both half-full and half-empty - how to deal? how to settle? how to know when it's right, not too low, not too high, not shit on the ground or shoot far for the stars?

is trying hard a sign that things are not meant to be this way? or is it the regular process to excel, in everything, or in this case - relationships?

how come i always find an 'if, and or but'? am i that complicated?

i always thought myself to be a half-full-glass person? now... i wonder... am i really? or am i just anticipating myself for failure? is it just my emotional damage talking?

how come, always, we find this one person to compare him with?

this one other person, that even if only pertaining to a past memory, still remains so BIG that we just can't let this new thing be, just the way it is?

i want a carbon copy...

carbon copy of the way things were, with someone else, but with someone new.

'cause that someone else wasn't meant for me... and i'd like to think maybe... maybe this one is.

so, back to glass-half full.

doubts, drinks, and a need for uncontrollable laughter.

09.04.10 (1:46 am) [edit]

how to define this? and more specifically, how to define love? how to recognize it apart from pleasure, entertainment, the not wanting to be alone?

how is it i'm so sure sometimes that i do love him... and then suddenly i'm wishing nothing else than being single, alone, partying, being away for a while?

we are good together, we are. but then with other people we are not that good. sometimes, dare i say it, i feel i'm much more adaptable than him, more social, even more funnier. he shies away, he ignores and shuts everything out, out of boredom, or rather out of insecurity. and that's when it hits me - i CAN'T be with someone who is insecure. that's just not what i want. i want laughter, people, connection... for the rest of my life, for as long as we both shall live.

and everything's great, when we are together, alone. then sometimes, i repeat, it isn't.

and as much a i do love him, being all cute, and geeky, and just adorable... it pains me every time i bump into my mr.big, my oldest truest best friend, who makes me laugh like hell, whom everything is comfortable and cool when i'm with him.

i think he, my boyfriend, may notice it. i hope so. because then, generally, i think it doesn't. and worse than him noticing it, is him not noticing it. then it means he doesn't care, he doesn't know me at all.

i'm fucked up. and i wonder when will i stand sure. satisfied.

love-induced stupidity and phantom-like happiness

08.30.10 (1:28 am) [edit]

Do you know that feeling? That feeling you get when first starting something you're not 100% sure of. At first the troubled sleep wondering "Did I do the right thing?", "Will I be able to make it stick?", and then you decide you'd better put some effort in, try a little harder, go with the flow.

And then suddenly, we fall. And we find ourselves, against all odds, truly head over heels. But then again, the doubt whispers in our ear - "Are we really connecting?" or is all this a result of too many kisses? Do I see a future with him - do I really?

Most of the time, 99% of the time, I do see it, it all does make sense - me being with him - and I do love him. And I never thought I'd get this other guy (my best friend) off my mind... not that I had feelings for him, but still something in me always thought there'd be a chance we'd wind up together, now not even that possibility lurks my head, now I barely think of him, and when I see him I feel true friendship, just that, and something - dare I say it - slightly resembling nonrecognition.

But that other 1% of my mind, makes me wonder if maybe I'm only superficially considering him, and just him, and not looking at the whole picture - a bunch of other things that bother me, be it family, job, or location-wise.

Falling in love has its up's and down's. I've never been one to relinquish control. I pride myself on always trying to be a little ahead of the game, just to be safe. I love and fall and crave as much as anybody, and I could be CLINGY AS HELL, and demonstrative and shit... but I keep to myself a little. That way you keep a certain kind of control on things.

I never thought I'd have to worry about all these with him, 'cause when it started out I still didn't feel all bubbly up inside, nor did I think I ever would. And now, wow, I feel like those type of girls that are told they'll end up more in love, than the guy is.

I'm afraid it'll happen, I'm afraid to appear the least bit tamed. I'm afraid I'll let all my walls down, like that one time a while back, and it'll all come crashing down. But more than that - 'cause I know I can and would survive that - I'm afraid that so much love will impair my judgment, fool me into some phantom-like happiness, and make me oblivious to all those things that bother me, and soon enough, I won't be able to recognize if mind-wise (life-wise) it'd be smart or stupid to keep on with him. I need to remain at least a bit cynical.

At least a bit distant, and not lose my critical eye, by good judgment.

And finding a balance between letting myself be crazy in love and remaining mentally sane, is proving harder than I thought.

love finds us

08.22.10 (12:42 am) [edit]

Maybe, and probably, love is not something we search for and simply... find.

Love looks for us, curls around us and takes us in. Sometimes looking is exactly what we shouldn't be doing.

Maybe a starting relationship is not 100% perfect, maybe doubt crawls up on many of us, maybe we are not always entirely sure... but then again, love and life involve 1000 risks.

And we leap.

If we don't, "what if's" hunts us forever. If we don't, life passes us by.

So what the hell. We jump, we leap, sometimes we crawl.

And sometimes, it's perfect.

Sometimes we may even fly.

It's not always easy-sailing. But we learn, we adjust, we compromise.

And slowly. And suddenly.

We find ourselves really and truly... in love.

And it's addictive.

It really is.

On a completely different topic - the best friend.

There is always the best friend we adore. The guy that's just a friend, above all others, but still just a friend. The guy we may not want for ourselves, but we do not want with anyone else.

And we always see hope, a possibility, the "may be".

And we compare them, we measure them, we evaluate. Pro's and con's. At first the best friend always wins. Well, of course, he's been around forever - how could he NOT win?! But then, through time, we leave friendly-memories behind, and build new ones - new trust zones. And we grow past the whole "best friend situation".

And then, weeks later, we bump into him. And suddenly we know he is not the one, not now at least. He still remains short.

He's still not there - or rather than "not there", he's maybe simply not the one. We find... sometimes... we are better off. As hard as it is to admit.

The good thing with friends is that, even if they won't be the greatest friends forever, they will SURELY always be there.

doubts and relationship bullshit

08.08.10 (2:21 am) [edit]

How to know when it's the right kind of "click"?

Yes, we click... with many people. With some more than others. And we fall in love - again, with some more than others. Then again, although the "click" is there, we click in a better way with some people - "with some MORE than others". Have you experienced a kind of "click" that is nice, yet somehow, on the other hand, you know you have a better "click" with some long-time guy friends?

Is missing a sign of real love or of just a simple craving, the not-having, the need for a hug or a kiss?

Is it actually true we can "fake it 'till you make it"? Or is fake-induced happiness a personality-thing - meaning some can achieve it while other simply can't? Are some of us so true to our true feelings that we can't EVER convince our heart to what our head is thinking?

Is really great conversation necessarily a sign (and must) of a good relationship? Or can relationships, and marriages, really truly survive merely through deep admiration and passion?

My head is completely full. Up to the brim. And although, 2 years ago, all these would've troubled me so much up to the point of losing my sleep, now it seems I'm in a much relaxed place... or maybe I just don't really care that much anymore. I think, somehow, after so many things, I REALLY lost 90% of my ability to cry, to be emotional, to get mad and, even worse, to love.

Am I, after so much drama and bullshit, a little emotional-impaired? Or am I just in such a good relationship that I really have no worries at all? Or am I just trying to pick a fight, hit a spot or find an excuse to get out of something I know doesn't really fit?

almost perfect, maybe entirely so

08.02.10 (10:41 pm) [edit]

Today I had a thought. Maybe, just maybe, love is not something we should be looking for, maybe love and whom we love is not always right, maybe we choose wrongfully from time to time, wanting what we can't have. Maybe love is something that should happen through coincidences, maybe the universe has it's own way of pointing it out for us and we are so blind and cynical we just can't open our mind to it, maybe some things ARE meant to be. And maybe, just maybe, he was placed in my path for some reason - maybe it is real love, maybe it isn't entirely that. But for now, everything seems to tell me it is.

And truth is, with a little effort (as almost everything requires), this is just exactly perfect for me right now.

In other words, he is just perfect for my right now.

True, we have some issues to work on. But what the hell! - you can't just bail the first time something doesn't go according to plan or, in my case, according to the typical girl-made fantasy.

me plus one - plus the past.

08.02.10 (12:36 am) [edit]

There's nothing I mean to write. Not anything in particular. Just a little bit of everything... or nothing. I'd like to complain, and moan annoyingly, and pine away, I want to wake up on Friday once again, I'd like to be whom I was exactly a year and a half ago, I'd like to not have known my ex-best-friend... I'd like, and wish, and want, and crave and the list goes on - it's easy to list out all the things we'd want, and easier still to name those we would like gone.

In a time when we can have so many things for so cheap prices, a thousand different restaurants where to choose from, even a wider variety of drinks and cigars and many other pleasures; in a time when we can extend our "adolescence" far into our thirties, when we can choose a million different outfits, brands, perfumes and simply be a different persona from one day to the next, and in a time when we can "try on" many different boyfriends/girlfriends and a whole range of personalities, how is it that we are supposed to learn to discriminate? When and how can we be sure our choices are the right ones? In this world of infinite possibilities and all the world has to offer, it becomes harder and harder to settle down, to choose and, mostly, to stand by our choice.

I once heard someone say that the only person who should "pay" for your mistakes or emotional baggage from the last relationship should be the one in your next relationship. This is a scary idea as it is. And even worse, I'm going through this... with a twist. It's not him paying for my "baggage", it is ME.

Having had such a perfect time, once upon a time, with my ex-best-friend made it difficult, for quite some time, to start having fun with other people once again. Yeah, we fought like hell, were wildly different and going through a tough time (change-wise) but we got each other. We REALLY did. Leaving apart all that went wrong and some quite horrible jealous dramas, I can't help but acknowledge the fact that he treated me with nothing but the best, most caring, attentive motives. He fast-forwarded the 3 months it takes to really get to know someone (quirks, thoughts, beliefs, like and dislikes) and squished it into the first month. How? Attention, time, and... letting me be myself - no ifs, ands or buts. After the horrible way in which we ended our weird friendship/relationship/w hat-have-you I would say, for months, that I'd give anything to just never have met him. After careful consideration and the necessary healing process, I concluded I'd never not want to have met him. Truth was, the pain and the mess and the trauma... well, it was well worth it for all the good we had. And I'd do it all over again. We clicked in a way I know few people click. And he GOT me - he would comfortably introduce me into his world and make me feel right at home, he swiftly entered mine, he would give me the most undivided attention, make every corny cliche comment feel completely normal, would complete my phrases, read my thoughts, and know exactly when to butt in and when to, politely, back off. We were so into each others' worlds, we made a world of our own, in which everything mine and his, friends and family, collided perfectly.

All of it, being so great, ruined me. It actually did ruin me. My actual boyfriend is definitely not the one paying for my past relationship but rather he is... benefiting it from it. He has the reformed version of myself, more-mature me, more calm, less-jealous, more attentive, family-oriented, cut-the-bullshit, less-drama-queen me.

As for me, the whole baggage (dare I call it that) is on me. I get to compare them... and I'm not usually one to compare - I don't want him ever knowing how great I once had it, him trying to live up to the guy that once was in my life.

For months now, I've not once compared them. But this weekend, it was completely inevitable.

I feel... used. A trophy at his side. The girl he loves (I don't doubt it - he does), but just... her. Not my world, my friends, not the least effort to get to know the complexities, stories and the wild range of personalities and characters that surround me. I wouldn't be one to bitch and nag about it, was I the "reserved" self-absorbed kind... but the thing is I am not - I DO make an effort for his sake, I do get along with his friends, family... I really am interested (not always through pure motives, but because I like him... and that's what people do).

That's what people do. We listen, get to know the other person, and not just him/her, but everything that made - and makes - him/her be who he/she is. The entire other person's world.

Had I not had that wrongfully perfect, dysfunctional, friendship/relationship in the past, I wouldn't notice this lack of attention - I wouldn't know any better.

He ruined me, he did. He emotionally spoiled me. Now, for a moment once again, I wish he never existed.

Then again, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Then again, having wasted so much drama, guts and anger - and my most perfectly-elaborated arguments - with him (2 years ago) I feel I'm all out of it. I've got no more guile in me. Drama seriously becomes tiring. Drama appears in big doses, spread out through the years. Right now, I'm on a drama-dry-spell. Maybe a gumption-dry-spell. After all, I had to become calm-er through the years, more logical, less sentimental, less impulsive, and mostly... colder, much much colder (maybe as a self-defense).

I can't seem to defend myself anymore. I do, but not correctly. Can the ability to prove a point, pick a fight, and win it, ever be lost? Am I so old and tired to play this game? Why can't I seem to get angry? I seriously don't recognize myself - or I didn't, last night.

Baggage. The past. Lessons.

It's a funny thing. Scars are funny things. Are they always survival marks to show of our battles? Or are some scars so wounded that they never fully heal?

Sometimes we want some things to work, so much, that we lose ourselves trying to recognize when to fight for it and when just to let it go. I'm in over my head. It's the first time I've really meant this since about 3 years ago.

The idea of having, now, to work on these issues sounds so damn tiring. Just the thought of the effort, "the talk", the trying to get him to listen, and even for him - his trying to come into my little world - well, it all only makes me want to crawl into bed and go to sleep.

And I know what will be said of this - "Relationships are hard, what did you expect?", "Relationships require work", and all those things people with not-so-perfect relationships tell you just to burden your load and make theirs seem lighter.

Alright, yes, I KNOW those things are true. But, hell, those are not the type of "advise" I need - was it ME with the issue I'd have to understand it'd be ME with things to work on.

But, so far, it's NOT me not trying, not listening, not sharing, not socializing with his world. And all I expect - is it too much to ask? - is that he gives the same I'm willing to give.

And then, therefore, in some other things, I'll have to "live up" to some of his expectations - to any issue he might think he is giving more than me.

This sucks - when did it get so complicated? And mostly, what am I doing wrong?

me plus one - plus the past.

08.02.10 (12:26 am) [edit]