People often say best friends of the opposite sex don't exist - they don't just say it, they assure it in a matter-of-factly way like if it was a proven fact. They bet and assure that that particular relations hip is completely unexistable, as if scientists had actually placed a guy and girl together in a test tube and an explosion had occured.

I believe in the possibility of a guy best-friend, of boy-friends... I believe in it to a point that I'd actually consider them brothers or mates. I am living proof. I have 3 best friends, 2 of them I've known since I'm 13 years old and I've hit on them both - for a small period of time and always winding up with the conclusion that I'd clearly confused love and friendship. It's such a thin fine line.

As for the other one, I met him exactly a year ago. This hot jewish guy crept into my life in every possible way, he got under my skin, he won my trust in matters of second, he became family, he became the shoulder I'll always rely on, the kleenex, the solution for an easy laugh, the date for whenever I'm dateless, the brother, son, father, and even possessor of my conscience.

He became, by far, a closer friend than half of my friends (except for the half that I've consider sisters since forever). He knows everything about me, he knows my family, he comes in and out of my house as if he was another member of the family, he knows every little detail, every little quirk or mania I suffer from, he knows when I have my period, he knows me in every mood - he probably knows more moods of mine than my family does. We kept a relationship where we could speak horribly to each other, scream every possible insult, but balance it with every bit of respect for each other, every nice gesture and detail for each other, and way too many hugs and kisses on the forehead. We reached an unknown level of trust to any of my friends, who would classify my relationship as insanely dysfunctional - we decided to take that as a compliment.

I love him. With every part of my being. I care for him like no one has ever cared for him, he's told me so and I know so. He looks out after me and I look out after him, almost to the point of a motherly figure.

There's a fine line between love and friendship. And although I am sometimes so sure I look at him as nothing more than a friend, every now and then a doubt creeps into a mind and I wonder if I actually truly love him. How does one know? What's the big difference?

The thing is, I am attracted to him. He is to me. But we've been careful to never let it get further than grabbing each others asses. Although this doubt tells me I maybe do love him I'm sure I wouldn't want him as a boyfriend. He's not ready for that, I don't know if he'll ever be - he has a wandering eye, he's a player, and it's once in a decade he does actually care for a girl in a way that would make him want to take her home and meet his jewish family (which are, by the way, wonderful people).

We've been close to kissing several times, we've always backed out on the very last second. He's going a year away in less than a month, and I don't know what to expect of our goodbye. I can't imagine being without him. I can't imagine what we'll even say at goodbye - although I have gone over it a thousand times in my mind I know reality will be pretty damn different, I think there are many things unsaid, many things we've both always been too scared to say (and we've said some pretty big things by now). As great as our relationship is, it's by far the most complicated thing I've ever seen - far more than the most complicated and self-destructive relationships (real ones) that my friends have had. He doesn't love me (like, really love me, to consider me his girlfriend one day) but lately he's gotten possessive and insanely jealous - he discards every guy that gets anywhere near me, which never happened before; he won't allow anyone to kiss me, he won't allow me to do many things. Lately I've hated him as much as I love him, and he has hated me. It's inexplicably and insanely weird.

We've spent months singing ourselves to sleep, although not so much now. We've lately cried freely with each other, more me than him; and we just keeping calling each other to get out tiny stupidities we'd like to say to each other in case we forget on the very last moment. Now it's all happiness when we're together, we're both trying to cherish and absorb every single second we'e together, we almost don't even know how to act when we hang out together, we just both keep smiling and hugging, and it's awkward and weird - I want to cry half of the time; I've actually cried daily for a week now, although he doesn't knows this. He keeps calling whenever he's drunk to sing me every sad song, love song, and goodbye song ever written, we keep reminding each other of the things we should be careful with, of the things we should keep away from, the people we don't want each other with, the millions of warnings and orders we have for each other.

I don't know if I'll be ok when he goes away. He's a part of me, and I say and mean this in a literal sick kind of way. I'm actually terrified to tears whenever I think of him not being here, I'm terrified I truly won't be ok.

And the question is, should I kiss him before he goes away? I wouldn't kiss him the day before - we won't have any alone time I think, I'd kiss him this very weekend... I truly do not know if it would be great and comfortable or if I'd ruin my last weeks with him by getting everything awkward and complicated. I know everything and nothing at all when it comes to him.