I'm in a car. Going fast on a highway I don't recognize, everything is blurry outside. My best friend, who is miles away, is behind the wheel. He's wearing a weird gray military type of suit - he sits there motionlessly, eyes straight ahead, but he seems 'gone', he's driving as if by instinct, not really knowing where he's headed. I'm reading aloud from a piece of paper I supposedly wrote for school, rushing through it, anxious to hear his opinion. It's titled "The Art of Forgiveness", or the Beauty of... I can't really recall the exact name. I'm halfway through it - ranting on and on of the beauties and advantages of forgiving. Being forgiven is always a relief, we don't necessarily forget or vanish the weight or regret of whatever we did wrong but, being forgiven, let's us off the hook - we exit 'awkward territory' with whoever we wronged. But forgiving someone is a whole different story. It is known we can't always forgive AND forget - personally, I think one never forgets. But forgetting or not forgetting is not the problem, the problem is HOW we remember or recall it. Forgiveness allows an easy painless flashback when, time from now, something in our memory triggers into remembering. The act of forgiving is more advantageous to ourselves than to whoever wronged us. Forgiving implies understanding, if not understanding at least excusing, if not excusing at least coming to peace with something... and letting it go. It helps close a chapter, a cycle, or whatever you think it is. Forgiving someone doesn't necessarily bring back things the way they were, it doesn't always improve the situation with whoever harmed us or gain any control of their future attitude and actions toward us - BUT, it manages to cure or renovate OUR attitude or feelings toward the person. It brings us at peace with ourselves. Coming to understanding with the fact that people screw up, screw us, or don't always act in our best interest, helps us heal a wound. It's soothing to forgive. Maybe we won't forget but, at the very least, we change the way we perceived it and improve the outcome. Truly forgiving eliminates future feelings of remorse, vengeance, hatred or anger. Maybe he/she will not release the weight or gravity of what they did wrong, but WE who forgive, do for ourselves. It went something like that... He kept driving, blinking, nodding every now and then, and frowning a couple of times. It ended with, and I'm paraphrasing - "Always forgive 3 times, never any more than that. The first time is their fault, shame on them. The second is your fault, shame on you. And the third is merely to prove the first two were no joke, simply to reassure ourselves he/she is not to trust. But do forgive." "You're probably about to tell me I'm some crazy philosophical hippie, right?" I laughed. I looked at him, he remained quite for a while. Then, "You are willing to forgive anyone, for anything, 3 times?!" "Well, yeah," I said. "How come? I mean, you'll only get screwed over and over again... But well, I'm not complaining, thankfully you've forgiven me for loads of stuff. I just don't understand how you think people should be willing to try again, go back for more, risk being hurt again. Again, I'm not complaining... You see, I generally expect the worst from people, everyone is selfish and will always see first for themselves." "Well, I prefer to think everyone is essentially good. I'd rather expect the best and be disappointed, that way you create a filter - those who live up to the 'good image' I have of people will become very important people in my life, as for those who disappoint me... well, at least for a while I indulged under the happy illusion they wouldn't it. They did, and I learned my lesson," I answered. "But you, expecting to be disappointed, only live waiting and anticipating as to how and when it will happen, and those who won't disappoint you you hang on a thread from the very beginning." Silence. He still wouldn't look at me. "Actually, I didn't expect bad from you. When I met you, that is. I had this very good image on my mind built of yourself. Once I got to know you, you even surpassed my expectations. Yeah, we've hurt each much too many times, me more than you, time after time I still place my entire trust on you, I don't know about you. No matter if you hurt me, I still see you make me a better person. I never had you on a thread. I think you've had me many times, just about to fall. I admire your view of things, I admire how you relate with people and how you help and love unconditionally those around you. I truly respect you. I think you'll have a great family one day. It's amazing how you give advantage to someone who you've just met by thinking the best of them. But I think sometimes you risk yourself too much, forgiving 3 times... well, that's why you suffer so much... sometimes." The stores around the highway started to look familiar. Now known streets and houses began to appear in sight. He went on, "You still haven't forgiven me for the last 6 months and... for my mistakes. I know it's been more than 10 times you've forgiven me. But it's you and me. It's different. 3 doesn't apply, I think we're way past that. (Silence) You gotta forgive me now, you gotta forgive. When will you trust in me again? You've got to forgive me. I didn't hurt YOU, I just screwed up some things in the past 6 months. Have I disappointed you that much?" "The thing is you still haven't mended your mistakes, it's not that you harmed me - it's that you harmed yourself. I'm trying OK? I just haven't been able to let go of it." "I'm truly sorry I disappointed you, DON'T hang me on a thread. You used to say you had me on the very top-shelf remember? How far down am I now?" "You know that yourself." "You expected more of me, I know. You always say that.," He snapped. "I never have. I expect the same as always. I expect 'you'." He looked sad. I continued, "Hun, out of all people and out of all my friends, you're the only one who ever surpassed every expectation I had for a new person, every expectation I had of you after listening to my friends talk about you. You should know, no one has ever gained my entire trust as fast as you have, no one has hurt as me as much, but mostly no one has ever made me not lose track of 'me', and admire so much who I am. Exactly who I am. The thing is, the past year you never really hurt ME directly, but you lost track of who you are and what you think, and now you're now who I expected." I glanced out the window, my reflection on the glass, and we were again on that unknown deserted and unfamiliar highway. On that very moment he finally turned to look at me. And right then, I woke up. It was one weird dream.

Maybe I'm tired of pondering... of fighting... against him (my best friend), against his pride (this friend I kinda like), but mostly against myself. I'm tired of waiting for him, of anticipating when and how he'll finally come home. I'm tired of the same ol' hypocrisy that surrounds and takes hold of half of my friends. I'm tired of lies, scams, and pretending. I'm tired of "hanging out", doing the same thing every day. It's finally summer vacations and I'm supposed to feel free, but I feel like a bird in a cage. Am I not taking enough risks or are risks overrated? Maybe risks aren't the problem. Maybe caution isn't either. I've recently found out I have no hobbies at all... It took me about 5 years to know this about myself. I'm restless, living off take-out and chips, sleepin' 'till noon, and going to bed way to late - even for vacations. I need to get a hobby, something for myself, something to waste time... or 'use' time, rather than waste it. I'm tired of everything... and of nothing. I need a change. I don't know exactly what. Mostly I think I need to head out of the city - out of the country. I need to go where no one knows my name, somewhere where I can walk around dressed to the nines, or dressed in something totally so-not-me like shorts, a punk t-shirt, converse, disheveled hair, big sunglasses... I need to change my hair color, but I won't 'cause in a month I'll see it for what it is - a rash decision for a quick change that didn't work. I need to be outside more, do all these things I long to do but never end up doing cause a "better", lazy-er, more typical plan comes through at the last minute... or because I simply don't get out of bed. I'm not depressed - I really am not. But I need... something. I'm not sure what. I hate summer, winter's my thing. Winter clothes, cappuccinos, gray skies, and unlimited lazy time with friends soothes me. Somehow this same things don't soothe me in summertime. I'm not particularly fond of the clothes, I get easily tired and annoyed after spending too much time with the same people, and although I get too drag my ass all day and do nothing I become anxious and tired of it. Maybe it's the heat. Maybe summer's too long. Maybe it's because he's not here to fill my days with stupidities and this whole bunch of different things he forced me to do. Maybe I need to get excessive amounts of sun, even though I don't like it that much. Maybe I need to move, run, and bathe in the sun so much until I come to love it, 'cause summer's too long. I better get accustomed to it. I'll probably drive a few miles and hop on a boat with some friends, spend all day in the sun, drink, dance, talk, ski... It's a good solution... for a day. What about the day after tomorrow? I need something to fill my days, or a solution to stop the anxiousness. And I most definitely need to stop anticipating and aching for his arrival.

I think I'm in love... No, right now I have no doubts or love-y feelings for the bastard who is millions of miles of way... But for good ol' him - he that lives a few blocks away, he who was the first guy I ever opened up to. He's proud as hell, stubborn and sometimes pompous... But he's part of who I am, he's my first and oldest best friend, maybe not the best or closest now a days... Evpen though, lately, he hasn't been top-shelf, he has the advantage of longevity - he's been there for ever. I had 2, 3, 4... - countless shots. Damn the vodka, but mostly damn the tequila. It gets me horny, clingy, and terribly honest. We had fought 2 months ago, when he still was with his ex... Suffice it to say, the fault was his. He wouldn't accept it, lose pride, he wouldn't seize... he always just won't budge. Today he did. Finally his stubbornness and pride fit, or clicked, with my horrible will and instinct into making people honest. After 2 months, and over too many tequila shots, he accepted his mistake - he then turned to me, stared into my eyes, like a kid so lost and vulnerable, "Yeah, this is it... It was me, I accept it. I do. And I don't like it. I don't like the fact that it's my fault. See, I'm giving up my pride, right now. I know that's the thing you hate the most of me, and there it is... I'm giving up my pride just for you. It's just -" "...Incredibly nice," I answered, "thanks, I just can't come up with anything else to say... I don't care if it's 2 months late, I just needed to hear it. So, thanks." I kissed him on the cheek, he smiled, as all our friends stared at us, disturbed by not knowing what the hell was going on. After 10 long years of friendship, it's the first time he's accepted he was wrong or said he's sorry. You see, to me saying sorry and accepting my flaws and mistakes comes easily - I'm not bragging, I'm not... I just am this way (which my best friend now a days says it's my biggest flaw and my best quality). I barely kept myself from kissing him all night... and he tried to kiss me, about three, five or ten times. But tonight was not the time I'm sure. Two friends drunk on tequila equals a disaster. It's disturbing and disconcerting that someone for whom I haven't felt nothing for in so many years, is now giving me flutters, butterflies, goosebumps... and he touches me and I just... - I just can't move. I'm stuck in this horrible state of doubts, horny-ness, and that damn 'friend zone'. He won't take the first step, that's for sure. No matter how many people have said he's always loved me, he never will take the first step. He's not willing to 'lose his pride' that much. He's too immature. I am too, I guess. I've been ignoring this for weeks now. Now, I just don't know if I should act on it. I still have a feeling 'everyone' isn't always right, I still get a feeling he just sees me as a friend. I love and hate the friend zone, I love and hate the 'hunt', I love and hate kisses not given, I love and hate not knowing, I love and hate tequila shots, I love and hate him, I love and hate my guts (or lack thereof), I love and hate tonight... I love and hate it's 50/50, I love and hate knowing that it might be the best thing that ever happened or it might turn into fuckin' hell. I love.... and hate... not knowing.

I am finally out - no more finals, no more school work... complete nothingness! I still don't know if I'll be doing summer school, but I'm more inclined not to... I want nothing more than complete and utter laziness... I know I'll be shooting myself in about 2 weeks... you see, I love summer vacations... but really, it's too much... they're too long... and the sun is exhausting. I am more of a winter person - winter vacations are the best... the perfect length and the perfect weather... On summer vacations there comes a point when you get tired, seeing your friends daily and trying to come up with new things to do gets quite tiring. But winter... Oh, winter... I could live on winter forever, rainy days are never enough... I can never get tired of coffee, cozy get-togethers with friends, long days of bowling, long chats, movies, tv-series marathons, lying on my couch with my dearest friend... I still don't know if I passed a subject, my final exam was yesterday and I won't know 'till tomorrow. Complete anxiousness. I'm nervous and stressed, but that didn't stop me from going out tonight, catching up with friends, barbecue and beers, laughing and forgetting I'm still hanging on a thread. It's good not to know. Not yet. My mind is constantly filled with doubts. I still don't know if he's the one, if he isn't... if I'll soon get the happy ending (or beginning) I deserve, I still don't know if I'll be the soccer mom I so long to be - 4 boys, I still don't know what I'll do tomorrow night, I still don't have a plan... I truly have no idea where I'm heading, I just know happiness is not the destination, but the journey. More importantly - at least for now - I have no idea when he'll be getting back. Could be tomorrow, could be in more than a month. Generally I hate surprises, but lately I've come to appreciate the beauty of them. Anticipation isn't always good - it involves increasing your expectations and the possibility of being disappointed. As for not knowing - well, it has its charms. Doubting, nervousness, adrenaline. After all, life is one big question mark, so I better get accustomed to it. And I'm so over thinking and pondering and calculating (or rather, miscalculating) as to what will happen next. Who knows? Who cares? It feels quite good not to know. I won't worry any longer or lose my mind thinking stuff I can't control. I'll go where the road leads... or maybe I'll make a new one. Not knowing feels great.

Today I found something written on an old notebook I was about to use to make a final study guide... Totally unaware of what I was going to bump into I flipped the pages looking for a white one, I was thinking of exams and formulas and schedules.... and suddenly my mind was swept by this piece of notes, about 7 months old, and I was now immersed on feelings I had back then... I was truly transported to that time as I read more of it - I could almost picture myself wearing what I had worn the day I wrote it. Here it is.

 I've been 100% sincere and 100% a hypocrite.

 I've been 100% a good girl and 100% a bad girl (at least to my standards).

 I've done the career change.

 I've been fully happy and alive, and have had a 100 reasons to die.

 I've never had you.

 I've fooled everyone. And I've fooled myself.

 I've mistrusted and I've been mistrust.

 I've done the merry-go-round.

 I've been amazingly smart and also utterly stupid.

 Sometimes we let go of our standards, sometimes we evade and overpass (by miles) our own and others' trust.

 I don't think I've ever been truly in love, or maybe I just haven't decided on what love is for me.

 It pains me that everyone has Mr.Perfect picked out for me, as well as my wedding scenario and my kids' names. It pains me that it ain't him. 100% not.

 His pride doesn't fit me, even his great smile doesn't fit me.

 It aches that no one believes me. It's not that I'm being stubborn and blind - it's that I KNOW, the way you just know when it's about to rain, the way you know milk has gone bad.

 'Cause my Mr.Perfect I already found. And my wedding scenario I don't care about. And my kids' names fit him and everything about him.

 He's just not who I'm supposed to love. Who I'm supposed to match with (trust me on this one).

 Who I'm supposed to ache for - even when he's besides me, and mostly when he isn't.

 I have no console, nothing to brighten me up.

 No solution, and truly no possibility.

 Out-of-bounds, one might say.

 It's common knowledge we all learn to love again, I just don't see it.

 Maybe I'm being stubborn and blind.

 I would be these for him.

 Just for him.

I'm a total chick-flick junkie... I love all movies - mystery, sci-fi, cartoons, comedy, even movies like Superbad (wow) and Old School... but there's no such thing as chick flicks, the good ones... I search the paper on a daily basis on the lookout for the next one, the premier date, the plot, the reviews... It's a sickness really. Also, I cry in every movie - all types of movies, in my entire life I've only seen about 10 movies that didn't make me cry. Everyone knows I'm sentimental as hell, but not this much... Except for the people that truly know me, people like him, people like my 3 best girlfriends...

 Even when I try my best not to cry or am so angry with the world that I'm so sure nothing could touch my heart... even then, I do... At the very least I well up, tears on the verge of falling, watering and trembling eyes, moist eyelashes.

 And I enjoy it. It gives me pleasure to just cry my heart out, even to the point where I can no longer catch my breath and I start producing this horrible hurt-dog noises. Few movies have really made me bawl like hell, movies like the Notebook, Moulin Rouge, When Harry Met Sally, Casablanca, Step Mom, If Lucy Fell, etc. This movies I always go back to, over and over again - I feel in a way, this movies define me...

 Yesterday I watched MADE OF HONOR, and I highly recommend it. It's a typical chick-flick, the same old formula as always, it's not like an AMAZING movie, but it's so good... Anyone who watches it will laugh for sure and it'll touch their hearts. But mainly I loved it because I feel it's linked to me and my dramas, me and my relationship with him... And although things have been rough lately and our friendship is very much at risk, that is very much like us. I am 70% Hannah, and he's definitely 90% Tom (except he CAN say 'I love you', and he says it EVERY time and in EVERY way).

 I went with a girlfriend and the entire movie she kept glancing at me, knowing I was thinking 'This is me and that is him', widening her eyes as though telling me she knew that no matter how much I say nothing like that will ever happen and how convinced we are it's just friendship, my every doubt was now multiplied by ten and rushing through my mind... and deep deep inside, in the bottom-pit of my heart where my shame lies, actually wishing that were us, the movie were my life.

I swore I wouldn't cry, I felt I would lose my pride, let the movie win, let the opinion of others (specially my girlfriend besides me) win, and accept right then and there, in the middle of the crimson-chair filled cinema, I was vulnerable as hell, so afraid of winding up alone... or worse, afraid of finding the perfect guy... the perfect guy, who would turn out didn't know me like HE did.

 That's one of my biggest fears. And one of the things you risk when you have a male best friend. You get to know the meaning of unconditional love, you begin to love a person for exactly who he is, and you begin to be loved for EXACTLY who you are. You place him so high up on a shelf, you're scared you'll never find someone who compares. From that point on, you'll ALWAYS measure every man in your life up against him, against the guy you have on a golden throne. Against THAT fucking guy that crept into your life and became a part of you are, a person that knows all your shameful moments, manias, and disgusting little facts - the guy you came to like so much, that you turned every thing you disliked of him, every one of his flaws, into qualities and little unique things you love.

 Watch the movie, it's amazing. And yes, I cried like a baby. The only one in the entire room.

 Oh yeah, we have our own 'white-and-chocolate cake' thing, our own game for picking things out, our same dislike/terribly honest/weird first meeting, our own day of the week... His stalker also exists, he also orders my coffee just as I like it and delivers, he also orders for me at our favorite sushi place (and pretty much everywhere else), and the list goes on.

 Ironically, we have a pact - I'll be his best man, he'll be my maid of honor.

 And I hate the south of ***** (city where he's at) - his phone has had no service for the last couple of days. I'm going nuts.

 ___________________ _________

 Now, if you're a movie fan... Here's some of my recommendations:

 -When Harry Met Sally, another best-friends movie... and Billy Crystal is terrific

 -You've Got Mail... tom, tom, tom!

 -About a boy, quirky and touching...

 -Big Fish, wonderfully weird

 -Under the Tuscan Sun, this one's just magical...

 -If Lucy Fell, a box-office failure with horrible reviews... 2 best friends, Sarah Jessica Parker, a great song (You didn't kiss me) and an amazing exaggerate ending

 -Casablanca... no explanation  required

 -Breakfast at Tiffany's, nothing beats glam-girl Audrey Hepburn

 -Keeping the Faith... religion doesn't matter, love conquers all

 -Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... WOW!

Lately I've been listening to sad music. Old songs. The type that don't get us down, but rather put our feelings into words... and listening to them just soothes us. Sinatra never seems to fail, Henry Mancini's Moon River, Bon Jovi's first heartbroken singles, Sweet Child o' Mine, Augustana's Boston, a little bit of Whitney Houston, and another bit of Joni Mitchell. The type of songs that remind me of rainy days, gray skies, tears, as well as Christmas, friends, long chats accompanied by wine...

 The last days I've become addicted to this 2 others songs, they're not new to me at all but I recently felt what they meant, came across both of them by accident, and found out how much I truly love these songs. 

 Check out Guns n Roses' November Rain and Ray Charles' You Don't Know Me (listen to Michael Buble's version as well - WOW). Here are the lyrics.

 NOVEMBER RAIN

 When I look into your eyes

I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain
[ Lyrics accessible from http://www.rare-lyrics.com ]

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

 

 YOU DON'T KNOW ME

 You give your hand to me

And then you say, "Hello."
And I can hardly speak,
My heart is beating so.
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well.
Well, you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night;
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend.
That's all I've ever been.
Cause you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
For I never knew the art of making love,
Though my heart aches with love for you.
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
You give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(For I never knew the art of making love, )
(Though my heart aches with love for you. )
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(you don't love me, you don't know me)

I hate the fact no one knows for sure what happens after we die. I hate being so convinced on heaven and hell, I judge everything into good or bad, black or white. Even more, I hate doubting - you come across people so convinced on an afterlife, reincarnation, nothingness, limbo or whatever. And you question everything you believe in.

 I loathe wondering and not knowing, I despise unresolved mysteries... It makes me unable to sleep, I toss and torn, wonder and imagine, and after 5 minutes in I completely doubt everything, I find myself frustrated into thoughts of nothingness, existential questions. Sleepless nights.

 I'm the type of person who is inexcusably unable to miss the ending of a movie, even if I hate it, even if it's so scary it makes me cry, even if it's a movie that was wrongly named 'movie' when it truly seems cheap porn... No ending, no sleep.

 No matter how bad the movie is, the ending resolves things. Endings allow understanding. Even the worst endings are pleasing, 'cause it allows us closure. And generally, all endings are good ones... not necessarily happy, but they leave us at calm... and I expect the same out of life. Hopefully a happy ending - if not, a calm one at least.

 And I lie so sure in my comfy bed that everything will work out perfectly - don't you feel that? Even when things are going HORRIBLE in every sense and in every way in your life, and even though you stress about it, and bitch and moan that you're royally fucked and you have no way out... EVEN THEN, you feel everything will work itself out. Well, what if doesn't?

 Everything is so... uncertain. Don't me wrong, I love uncertainty, I love the element of surprise... but after awhile you simply NEED to be certain.

 You know when you are overconfident on a game or bet or something, and you're so damn sure everything it's gonna work out perfectly you can almost feel it... and then, BOOM, everything turns out the other way around? Well, sometimes I feel that way about life... Maybe I am overconfident. And honestly I make no extra-efforts on making sure my life turns out good, I do everything OK, but nothing at its very very best, honestly I don't trouble myself looking for the perfect guy (plus the perfect bank account) like my friends are already doing, I'm a good person, would be a good wife and mom, but I have never cooked anything (unlike 2 friends of mine who impress guys with their cooking skills), I don't have a mega-hot body to compensate for it (although it's not bad), I'm not making any back-up plans in case my dreams don't come true, I'm not so concerned on being #1, of my friends, my family, my career, my job, my savings... I'm not a 'settler', but I am kinda comfortable and laid-back... I have never liked the spotlight, it makes me uncomfortable, I prefer laying low and getting true happiness. Now, people who push themselves to excel in every aspect of life can maybe give themselves the luxury of overconfidence... One could tentatively taste and touch overconfidence, when the odds seem to point their way, 'cause basically they're pretty much set.

 Now, odds or no odds, when I look around it seems it works out for pretty much everyone, what if it doesn't for me? And I don't mean like getting married, but everything. What if life doesn't happen for me? Plans go astray? Friends go away?

 It's terribly unnerving. I hate having these thoughts.

 I hate the cold side of the pillow, 'cause after a while the cold side is the warm one, and you have to switch again. White blankets wrapped around my body. The sound of air-conditioning.

 Is there a God? Why do medicine and religion always clash? Until what point is man allowed to manipulate life and health? Why are we trying so much to prolong life, when we simply should be improving it's quality? Why bomb for peace? (it's like fucking for virginity) Why so much fuss over Holy Land?

 Who needs drugs? Find your fuckin' natural high... What happened in a person's life that made them fall into alcoholism, drug-addiction, perdition, I always wonder?

 Why do best friends sometimes back-stab us? Just because they can? Why jealousy?

 Why do marriages fall apart? How can people marry for money? Don't they know their marriage is set to doom?

 Why are some of us so afraid of being hurt? Why are we still not willing to risk everything for love? Who the fuck cares, after all the bet is only yours and only you will then get a change at true happiness... Why so many stereotypes? Why so many barriers? Is there only one true love? Should soulmates be friends or spouses?

 Why do we go through years and years not knowing what we feel for a person? Are we so fucked up, we simply can't figure out what we want? Why can't we want what we need and not need what we want? Why the inner-fucking-fight of heart or mind? Shouldn't it be heart, no questions asked?

 Why are we waiting to hit a certain age to start behaving as we know, respect or believe in? Why do people wait 'till they hit 30 to leave all sorts of bullshit behind? Don't they know you only live once? You never get those 30 years back, you'll never as young again? Why do people use 'You only live once' as an excuse for doing every kind of shit? Is the guilt, hangover, or pain that comes after 'the shit', something you want to fill your once-only-life?

 Is it a waste of time wondering something I will never find the answer for? Am I digging my own grave by wondering at night instead of figuring out how to make MY life? Are friends for ever? Is passion necessary on a successful marriage? Is it OK to desert some friends? Why do 'goodbyes' hurt like hell? Why do we blind ourselves in front of uncertainty and trouble?

 ___________________ ____

 "I don't have a plan!" -Rachen Green

 "I don't have a plan either... Phoebe, do you have a plan?" -Monica Geller

 "I don't even have a 'pla'." -Phoebe Buffay

For a long time, I've been of the idea that people are forever. That when you find something true and real, you gotta stick up for it, fight as hell to keep it. But breakups happen, the closest friends become acquaintances, families are tore apart - people change. Some things are not forever, eternal, disaster-proof, pain-free.

 Change is a rather relative term. And the phrase 'People don't change' is so true... and so false.

Generally one can't change or mold a person, one can't change how another thinks, change a person's paths or ways... but every so often we hear about the guy who gave up everything bad in his life, the girl who converted and is happily married, the family who made it stick.

How ironic, as society we always praise those that were so lost and found their way again - the motivational speaker, the ex-addict, the husband who repented. Why not praise does who never go wrong? Those who never wander off their righteous paths?

 The thing is some have to hit rock-bottom to appreciate everything they lost, some have to lose everything to be willing to make it stick for as long as they live.

 Still, generally most people do not change. A hypocrite will always be a hypocrite, a liar will always be a liar, a boastful proud asshole will never stop being one. 'People don't change' generally refers to bad aspects, flaws.

 'People don't change' is also bullshit. Some do, they don't lose their 'badness' and find righteousness,& nbsp;but these people who do change are the ones that lose their ideas, beliefs, virtues, righteousness, their past lives... they change some things of who they are into something bad.

 It is terribly saddening when someone you care so much for, stops being who you once knew. Relationships change.

I have no doubt that when one a person changes his attitude or attentions toward you it must be horribly hurtful - but then again, this sometimes is the change that allows closure, that makes you able to say 'Goodbye, I deserve better". But for me, the worst change is when a person is still the same person towards you, with you, but is another different person by himself/herself.

 Someone you met a long time can be the same person with you, love you as much, treat you as well, but have changed into an entire different person. New ideals, beliefs, values... actually, not new ones, but lack of old ones.

It hurts to the core of my being, it makes me unable to sleep. Someone I knew this way, with certain standards, is lost in stupidities, peer pressure... emptiness. A friend of mine actually changed - people can very much change... into a bad version of who they were... and sadly I find the situation very difficult to reverse, now 'People don't change' has me by the neck, I cannot change him back, not until he wants to himself (will he ever want to?).

 Impotence in all its power.

 I've said all I have to say, I've done all I could do. My words are in vain. I can no longer keep this up, I'm tired of trying to help someone so out reach, so sure that he's right, so sure of not having changed. 

I kind of gave up by now... not 'by now' actually, but just now. Hours ago. And it is not lack of love, deterioration& nbsp;of affection, but pure disappointment& nbsp;to the point of exhaustion.

 Unfortunately I don't stop loving him at all. But how can one support someone they disapprove so much of?

 An important indicator of real intimacy and true friendship is when 2 people are able to see the world as the other one sees it. We always did, even with some many differences - I always asked of him not to act or think as I had been taught to, but as he had been taught to, even if that was miles away from what I believed... and he asked the same of me. It was true understanding. We were so synched.

 But now, this is too much. I can no longer visualize the world as he does. He gave up on, not what I believed in, but on what he did. I don't know if friendships endure that. I don't think they do. Unfortunately one cannot live merely off love and affection.

 Is is giving up too quickly? Is it unfair to lose contact with a person who wants to remain so close to you? 

Is it selfish to hurt someone you love? Or rather, hurt someone that loves you?

 I figure time will decide. For now, I can do no more than wonder, pray he does well. For now, I'm giving up.

 Thankfully, over the last weeks I've come to understand friendships are not necessarily forever. Some people are put into our lives to help us through tough times, to enrich us in a certain moment, to help us grow. Some relationships are meant to be for a while are meant to end at goodbye... It's always better to leave a game when your at your best, that wait until it gets bad and dirty to finally retire.

 A good goodbye is better than a bad one, or none at all. For now, I don't know what will happen. I just know it hurts. I just hope it'll be for the best. And I just know you gotta hurt every once in a while, hit rock-bottom, to then appreciate all that's good.