I am finally out - no more finals, no more school work... complete nothingness! I still don't know if I'll be doing summer school, but I'm more inclined not to... I want nothing more than complete and utter laziness... I know I'll be shooting myself in about 2 weeks... you see, I love summer vacations... but really, it's too much... they're too long... and the sun is exhausting. I am more of a winter person - winter vacations are the best... the perfect length and the perfect weather... On summer vacations there comes a point when you get tired, seeing your friends daily and trying to come up with new things to do gets quite tiring. But winter... Oh, winter... I could live on winter forever, rainy days are never enough... I can never get tired of coffee, cozy get-togethers with friends, long days of bowling, long chats, movies, tv-series marathons, lying on my couch with my dearest friend... I still don't know if I passed a subject, my final exam was yesterday and I won't know 'till tomorrow. Complete anxiousness. I'm nervous and stressed, but that didn't stop me from going out tonight, catching up with friends, barbecue and beers, laughing and forgetting I'm still hanging on a thread. It's good not to know. Not yet. My mind is constantly filled with doubts. I still don't know if he's the one, if he isn't... if I'll soon get the happy ending (or beginning) I deserve, I still don't know if I'll be the soccer mom I so long to be - 4 boys, I still don't know what I'll do tomorrow night, I still don't have a plan... I truly have no idea where I'm heading, I just know happiness is not the destination, but the journey. More importantly - at least for now - I have no idea when he'll be getting back. Could be tomorrow, could be in more than a month. Generally I hate surprises, but lately I've come to appreciate the beauty of them. Anticipation isn't always good - it involves increasing your expectations and the possibility of being disappointed. As for not knowing - well, it has its charms. Doubting, nervousness, adrenaline. After all, life is one big question mark, so I better get accustomed to it. And I'm so over thinking and pondering and calculating (or rather, miscalculating) as to what will happen next. Who knows? Who cares? It feels quite good not to know. I won't worry any longer or lose my mind thinking stuff I can't control. I'll go where the road leads... or maybe I'll make a new one. Not knowing feels great.