I think I'm in love... No, right now I have no doubts or love-y feelings for the bastard who is millions of miles of way... But for good ol' him - he that lives a few blocks away, he who was the first guy I ever opened up to. He's proud as hell, stubborn and sometimes pompous... But he's part of who I am, he's my first and oldest best friend, maybe not the best or closest now a days... Evpen though, lately, he hasn't been top-shelf, he has the advantage of longevity - he's been there for ever. I had 2, 3, 4... - countless shots. Damn the vodka, but mostly damn the tequila. It gets me horny, clingy, and terribly honest. We had fought 2 months ago, when he still was with his ex... Suffice it to say, the fault was his. He wouldn't accept it, lose pride, he wouldn't seize... he always just won't budge. Today he did. Finally his stubbornness and pride fit, or clicked, with my horrible will and instinct into making people honest. After 2 months, and over too many tequila shots, he accepted his mistake - he then turned to me, stared into my eyes, like a kid so lost and vulnerable, "Yeah, this is it... It was me, I accept it. I do. And I don't like it. I don't like the fact that it's my fault. See, I'm giving up my pride, right now. I know that's the thing you hate the most of me, and there it is... I'm giving up my pride just for you. It's just -" "...Incredibly nice," I answered, "thanks, I just can't come up with anything else to say... I don't care if it's 2 months late, I just needed to hear it. So, thanks." I kissed him on the cheek, he smiled, as all our friends stared at us, disturbed by not knowing what the hell was going on. After 10 long years of friendship, it's the first time he's accepted he was wrong or said he's sorry. You see, to me saying sorry and accepting my flaws and mistakes comes easily - I'm not bragging, I'm not... I just am this way (which my best friend now a days says it's my biggest flaw and my best quality). I barely kept myself from kissing him all night... and he tried to kiss me, about three, five or ten times. But tonight was not the time I'm sure. Two friends drunk on tequila equals a disaster. It's disturbing and disconcerting that someone for whom I haven't felt nothing for in so many years, is now giving me flutters, butterflies, goosebumps... and he touches me and I just... - I just can't move. I'm stuck in this horrible state of doubts, horny-ness, and that damn 'friend zone'. He won't take the first step, that's for sure. No matter how many people have said he's always loved me, he never will take the first step. He's not willing to 'lose his pride' that much. He's too immature. I am too, I guess. I've been ignoring this for weeks now. Now, I just don't know if I should act on it. I still have a feeling 'everyone' isn't always right, I still get a feeling he just sees me as a friend. I love and hate the friend zone, I love and hate the 'hunt', I love and hate kisses not given, I love and hate not knowing, I love and hate tequila shots, I love and hate him, I love and hate my guts (or lack thereof), I love and hate tonight... I love and hate it's 50/50, I love and hate knowing that it might be the best thing that ever happened or it might turn into fuckin' hell. I love.... and hate... not knowing.